As an unexpected mom of a twenty two month old and another on the way, the mom I would love to meet today is my mom.

After a long second round of cancer my mom passed away. She was thirty seven and I was ten years old. Sure I skipped the teenage hell a mother and daughter can go through but I sure could use some advice these days.

After a lot of medical tests and numerous bouts of endometriosis I was told, at thirty one, that I could not have kids. My husband and I were not too upset by this as we had been together a long time and loved being on our own. We kept moving forward in life. Then four months after the news that we could not have kids, we conceived our daughter Alexa.

When the pregnancy shock wore off then the panic set in. What do I do? I had not been around a baby in a long time. We had no clue. I had many heavy, bad dreams that I did things wrong for the baby. The mom void that I had for the past twenty two years overwhelmed me especially during the third trimester till right about now as I write this essay.

The best I can hope for is that my children will know that they were the surprises I did not know I wanted until they arrived. Sometimes not having advisers to dilute your gut instincts is the best way to live and parent.