Momcafe

I sat on the couch in the dark, staring at the innocent face of my newborn son, Jacob, while tears of frustration, fear, and exhaustion streamed down my face. This was my third time feeding him since midnight and I knew it was not the last. “Will he ever sleep through the night?” I wondered to myself. “I don’t want to do this every night”. My body still ached from the rigors of childbirth and my mind was beginning to cloud with uncertainty. “I have been waiting for this moment for years, so why am I so miserable? I can’t believe I am a mother? What if I fail? What if he grows up to be a bully or a drug addict? What if he hates me?”

I sat there wallowing in this form of negativity and self-doubt for several minutes when I finally raised my head and looked out the large living room window. Staring down at me and my son was a large, dazzling star. It drew me into its light and I was instantly mesmerized by its beauty. I had watched the stars since I was a child, but never before had I been put under a spell of this magnitude. “Is that the North Star”, I asked myself. I tried to jog my memory of the little astronomy I remembered from high school, when I realized it really didn’t matter what star it was; this was our star. Its sole purpose was to shine for me and Jacob. I felt myself starting to relax, the tension fading away as I gazed at our star.

I looked down at my son, snuggling up against me as he finished the last few drops in his bottle. He seemed so peaceful and comfortable. Somewhere in that moment, the fear and fatigue that had plagued me the past few days drifted out of my body and mind. I felt the star was the visible bond created between us when he was born. “I wonder if this star will still be around when you graduate, or get married, or even when you are an old man”, I silently said to my sleeping baby. Maybe this same star could one day provide him with much needed solace.

That night, I held onto Jacob a few minutes longer than usual and snuggled him extra close. “I will hold onto you for as long as you need me to, whenever you need me to”, I promised him. Our star had given me the reassurance that I could be a good mother. Life may not always go the way I want it to, but as long as I do my absolute best and provide Jacob with all the love a mother could possibly give her child, he stands a good chance at becoming a wonderful human being.

As I lay Jacob in his crib, tears once again began streaming down my face, only this time they were tears of peace, understanding, and joy. I walked by the window one last time to gaze at our star, whispering to myself “from now on, I will treasure every moment I have with him, no matter how sleep deprived or frustrated I am because he will grow up before I realize it.”